Epidemic of Strange Injuries Afflicting Professional Philosophers

Emergency rooms across the country have reported a sudden wave of professional philosophers being admitted for strange injuries, leaving doctors baffled.

One philosopher, Rebecca “suck my giant queer cock” Cuckla, was rushed to MedStar Georgetown University Hospital on Wednesday, writhing, contorting, and screaming in pain. After being administered a sedative, Cuckla claims to have been a victim of an act of “metaphysical violence.” The lack of apparent physical trauma led doctors to furiously search in vain through the pages of the DSM5. “We’re mystified,” attending physician Dr. Scott Spencer said.

Similar incidents occurred in Detroit, Michigan and Knoxville, Tennessee. Attributing their injuries to “discursive violence” and “interdimensional harm,” professional philosophers John Corbeano of Wayne State University and Nora Berenstain of the University of Tennessee were also rushed to local hospitals. Both, too, left their attending doctors scratching their heads.

The number and seriousness of such reports has caused Trump’s recently appointed Secretary of Health and Human Services Tom Price to launch a full-scale investigation. Preliminary results of the investigation have traced the original source of the injuries to an article by Rebecca Tuvel published in Hypatia, a philosophy journal that specializes in feminist theory, and a second source to a Facebook post by Hypatia’s associate editor, Cressida “Purple” Heyes. Action is currently underway to remove these dangerous materials from public consumption.

Although the exact nature of the injuries remains unknown, the primary victims seem to be privileged white females between the ages of 30-50 who specialize in fetishistic sex activism, contrary to social media rumors that the victims are minorities.

Price has put his lead expert on intractable medical conditions on the case, Dr. Gregory House, MD, in full confidence that this mystery will be solved. In the mean time, doctors are recommending electroshock therapy as a first measure, to be followed up with a neuro-psychiatric evaluation.

Federal Philosopher

Federal Philosopher is a philosophy graduate student in New Jersey. She was awakened from her political slumbers after reading biographies of Margaret Thatcher. She loves philosophy, but thinks the profession has been hijacked by a bunch of leftist bullies who are little more than partisan journalists that happen to know philosophical jargon. She carries a recurve bow and quiver full of arrows at all times, so as not to trigger leftists by saying she packs a .380 in her purse.

View All Posts

8 Comments

    • Who say’s we’re laughing? “Metaphysical violence” and “dialectical harm” are symptoms of Femeningitis, a condition of irreproachable seriousness. Your blase insensitivity, JS, is part of a culture that perpetuates the oppressive attitudes and norms preventing these apoplectic poor souls, who are set to face a life

  1. And here I thought these morons were beyond satire. Well done! I appreciate the different approach to this fiasco taken up here.

  2. As true to form with any communist movement, today’s university “social justice” movement is descending into self-cannibalism.

    It is cute to watch all the godless, leftists philosophers finally get up in arms for the cause of academic freedom and free speech now that they’ve realized their own hide is on the line.

    Where was a similar outcry when, for instance, Mercier was canned at Leuven?

    • Exactly. We’re only witnessing such an outcry because Tuvel is a feminist scholar, and the signatories aren’t big names in academic philosophy. In other words, there’s no cost involved, which makes it look like moral grandstanding (in many cases).

  3. Excellent. Keep up the good work guys. We appreciate your continued coverage of the hot degenerate mess that is Rebecca Kukla. She and Mark Lance, another prof in the dept, both reacted to the Tuvel thing on FB. Kukla couldn’t figure out which side to come down on since in the Oppression Olympics it was unclear who should win, a woman or a tranny. But she was smart enough to recognize those of us on the right would pick up on it.

    I’m particularly happy since I love when they fight ike this and tear each other up. Not only does it create ill will and dissension in the ranks, but we all get to see how screwed up these people are as “intellectuals” and human beings.

Leave a Reply (Be sure to read our comment disclaimer)